After discovering I'd been heading in the wrong direction with my life's work for the longest time, I was lost. I decided to write daily, without any preconception of what to write, in the hope it would become a map for me, revealing a path forward in real-time. I hope these little pieces of writing, are solace and support to anyone who is lost or flying on a trajectory they no longer want to be on.
1) The Beginning
Autumn has steeped into the air, into my consciousness.
I'm British, the changing seasons are an inevitable thread through my life.
There's a chill in the breeze, the sun still warm on my face but each passing cloud easily obscures the heat.
The sky, here on the hilltop I'm so fortunate to live on, is dramatic. The achingly beautiful blue with tumultuous variations of clouds consisting of every shade of white and grey, scudding across in layers or gathering in a celestial applique of untouchable textures.
It's the Equinox soon, the shift into shorter, darker days inescapable, but there is a quiet hope in me for the glory of pink sunrises, glimmering frosts and perhaps even hushed blankets of snow, bringing a peaceful feeling to life, tinged with the wonder of childhood awe.
I am in a time of change - who isn't? When are we not? But this feels different. My unseen and unconscious beliefs of who I am, what I'm here for, what meaning my life has or had is being dismantled. By realisation, by seeing what has been driving me for so long, by seeing the conditioned thinking that has driven me to struggle and suffer, living a life that had underlying patterns of unease and disease behind my actions, behind my choices.
And, now, as they fall away and I'm left with, seemingly, nothing but remnants of the person I believed myself to be, I am drawn to sit with trees.
I always turn to nature for medicine, for solace, for comfort.
I go out into the fields and the woods, to the flowers and the grasses for healing, for advice, for wisdom.
I am drawn to the Oak.
Here, where I live, surrounded by farmland - full of sheep, cows, crops, all raised with only profit in mind - there are traces of my woodland heritage at the edges of the fields. I'm so very grateful that these beautiful beings have survived.
Oak is associated with my country. It's been both worshipped, used, revered, ignored and abused by different people with different needs over different times, times that I have no knowledge or understanding of and so can make no judgement on them.
Oak is also an incredible ecosystem all on its own. It supports a myriad of birds, mammals, insects and fungi by its very existence. Let alone the way the roots heal the soil, the fallen Autumn leaves feed the earth and the air it filters and gifts us back pure.
But, as I sit amongst the roots of an old Oak, surrounded by fallen acorns, leaves and twigs, I wonder ...
Rather than muse upon all the Oak does for others, does for me...What does the Oak need for itself? What gives it succour? What aids its growth? And I don't mean physically necessarily.
What is Oak, as a separate being, what does it need to thrive?
What do I need to do the same? What can Oak teach me?
2) Remnants
I don't want to rebuild myself, construct another persona, create more layers of filters through which to perceive the world.
The breaking down, though painful, is needed.
I've heard the analogy so many times that our difficult times are the compost, as old ideas or relationships break down, nourishing the seeds of the new.
But maybe I don't want this to be compost, maybe I don't want to be fed by old beliefs however broken down they are.
I want to simply rediscover my connection to the Divine wisdom within.
And to my soul self.
Whatever non-duality, 3 Principles or any other spiritual teaching says, I still feel I came with a soul, a song, a colour, a flavour, a longing, I came with me.
This particular genetic combination temple made flesh and bone to carry this living soul.
And it's not enough just to be. I want to create. I want to connect. I want to share.
I have a deep, ardent, as yet unrequited need to create, connect and share.
The introduction to this series can be found here:
This series is beautiful and inspiring, Kate. I can relate to much of what you're saying. Thank you for sharing! xo