0) Introduction
Ever since I was a young child, maybe 11 years old, I wanted to be a psychologist, a therapist, a healer.
It didn't happen. It never quite worked out.
I'd signed up to do A Level Psychology and Sociology at college but they lost my application form and there was no place for me.
I went to work for local Councils instead, in Probation, Housing, and Social Services hoping to make a difference but I ended up in administration, office work, supporting the people on the front line but never being one of them.
I had kids and was obsessed with creating the best life possible for them, I home-educated them and at the same time discovered alternative therapies and saw them as my way to becoming a therapist.
I'm a Colour Healer, Reiki Master, Ecstatic Dance Teacher, Holistic Healer, Flower Essence Practitioner and Three Principles Coach.
Well, I trained in them, I tried to 'do' them, make them my work, my purpose, my life - somehow nothing happened.
At the end of the summer of 2022 I found myself crying uncontrollably to my mentor - why has it never worked for me? Why have I never achieved my dream to support, care for and assist people in their transformation?
She told me, gently, I was coming from a place of wanting to fix people, rescue them, that I thought I could, that I thought I should!
I realised, somehow, that I'd been on this trajectory, set in childhood distress, for so much of my life that I had never questioned if it was something I actually still wanted.
Everything fell apart. I was lost, directionless.
I have always found journalling one of my most potent tools of support and revelation. So I decided to write daily, without any preconception of what to write, in the hope it would become a map for me, revealing a path forward in real-time.
I set myself a challenge, 90 days, 500 words a day.
I found myself writing prose, writing poetry, the landscape around me became the inspiration and reflection of what I was experiencing.
I feel now to share these little pieces of writing, to be a solace and support to anyone who is lost or flying on a trajectory they no longer want to be on.
My words don't offer concrete solutions but share a journey of discovery of what it was I needed to heal from a life where I was constantly pushing against myself, forcing myself - mostly unconsciously - against my better instincts and big signs from the Universe!
My journey begins and is woven through with my relationship with the nature around me, that I'm part of, mainly birds and trees but particularly Oaks. Because all I knew at the beginning was that I was moved to sit with these beautiful and venerable beings, drawn to their wisdom.
Oaks 2 - A Poem
The Oaks bear the colour, carry the flame, mark the way. I see them joined in counsel, root to root across the land.
There's a sound coming from them, unheard by my ears but felt in my body. A low hum of harmony.
The wisdom of their roots deepening in conference with the living Earth and leaves embodying sunlight.
Outside of clock time and disconnected from the concrete life, all sharp edges and not twisted with ecstatic
Communion like Oaks. They are blessed with a life I can't imagine but can sense with my animate soul.
All photos were taken around the time of writing, starting September 2022.
I too feel lost. And part of me is in mourning over this and part is in a knowing that I am more on track then ever. I knew that I was flying on a trajectory that I didn't want to be on. Changed direction three times, quite plutonian, full stop and shifting. However, every time I was creating from the wrong foundation. So I ended on the same platform, even though I chose other forms. The formless remained te same. The formless is now changing as well..feels like divine fragmentation. I wonder what remains. What becomes.
I get chills reading your words. I am very grateful for you, for your individual spark. So thank you for this inspiration.